Diary of a Glitter Splashed Britney Lovin' Lesbo

2007-12-18T14:36:00.000Z

Somehow I came home in a giant man’s jacket on Saturday night. So drunk was I that I didn’t notice the fact that I was literally drowning under the huge shoulder pads which were housed under the mass of brown cord. How could I not have registered the fact that this jacket was at least 6 inches longer than the one I originally went out in? What an affront. What a weekend.A 14-hour drinking

2007-12-10T13:01:00.000Z

Hottie and I got free tickets for Kaiser Chiefs at the weekend. And, not only were they free but they were hospitality tickets, you know where you can eat, and, more importantly, drink, as much as you want for free? Heaven and of course having once again drunk all my pay for the month we ensured we took full advantage of this. We were pre-warned to book our place at Accident and Emergency post

2007-12-03T14:57:00.000Z

What’s the best thing to do after a three-day bender? Picture it: you’re feeling like a mouldy toldy, you’re looking like a piece of regurgitated beef patty and you smell worse than a chuff that has been encased in polyester for weeks on end so, what do you do? Yes, you and your girlfriend force yourselves to get out of your cosy bed, borrow someone else’s eyes, raid the old copper jar and then

2007-11-29T15:06:00.000Z

I’ve totally been gigging it up these past few months. I haven’t been to so many gigs since my smelly days where I used to hang around at Union Terrace Gardens getting wasted and twatting around to local bands and sitting on human dog shit on a Saturday afternoon. Good times. We saw Captain a couple of weeks ago. For no reason other than curiosity, four of us girlies necked some Viagra. The

2007-07-19T14:36:00.000+01:00

My weekend in Geneva sucked ass. I was required to go for work, to a Congress. I’ve been on more flights in the past 6 months than I have in my life. Generally I enjoy the travelling but I dreaded this trip more than I dread a life without cheese. I was exceedingly stressed about what I should wear. I mean, the converses and low slung jeans just wouldn’t cut it. I searched all over town for

2007-06-15T14:40:00.000+01:00

Sing if you’re glad to be gay?I didn’t make the effort for Pride in Aberdeen. I never have. I don’t know what it is but I’d celebrate my gayness in any other city (ok, maybe not Dundee) but just not here, in my wonderful home town. It’s always rather understated but at least they usually bung the gays and lesbos in a park where they can dance and gay it up comfortably. Not this year however.

2007-05-29T13:21:00.000+01:00

I’ve not been very well for the past ten days. I’m pretty sure it’s either alcohol poisoning or concussion. I haven’t felt any semblance of self since last Friday’s shenanigans; with every day comes the nausea, the shaky legs and the heavy head. I want to say I have never been as drunk as I was that night but am sure that will be a lie, no doubt there will have been some other equally

2007-05-14T15:59:00.000+01:00

Friday night in the gay bar was not planned. I mean, I had a Eurovision party to look forward to on Saturday night. I should have been sensibly tucked up in bed in preparation for the big gay event but alas, Friday night saw the unwelcome return of Fee in the gay bar, on the podium, dancing like a prick and falling on her ass and revealing Bella the Belly to the whole world, again. I really am

2007-05-06T11:39:00.000+01:00

I'm still pissed as a fart. I'm rolling around my bed in amongst the crunchy stick crisps which I will be picking out of my crevices for months to come. I've put last night's pizza in the toaster. I reek of stale fags, sweat from all the dancing and some fruity perfume with which I was assaulted. I have yet to be sick but given my status as a serial spewer I am sure this is to follow. My

2007-04-27T12:24:00.000+01:00

Fee Entered a Special Needs Dance Off… And won!“I found a place where Fee can boogie”Say. No. More

2007-04-23T15:16:00.000+01:00

I’m such a chunky monkey. I’ve always been a bit of a lardy lesbo and it’s always been something I’ve had an issue with but yet, I am incapable of fixing the problem. I mean, I’m not totally adverse to exercise; I walk at least 6 miles a day (I would rather walk everywhere than suffer the stress of public transport) but when it comes to intense, sweat inducing physical movement, then I just can

2007-04-02T12:51:00.000+01:00

Ali Larter is not the only reason for my new obsession with Heroes but she does play a huge part in it because bugger it, I am that shallow.Always slow to catch on, I watched the first 4 episodes of this yesterday (opting for hot chicks rather than appreciating the glimmer of sun we were privy to yesterday). I was enthralled by the storyline and enrapatured by the delectable Ali Larter who I

2007-03-28T14:41:00.000+01:00

It’s 11.25am, The Gay Exchange is probably still fast asleep. I, however, am still drunk.How did a night of freeing Pauline the pigeon from the loft and gorging on smoked salmon risotto turn into The Gay Exchange and me being the only people in the gay bar and subsequently bullying our way around the dance floor in straightville with our own, pathetically awful dirty dancing routine? I guess

2007-03-26T15:39:00.000+01:00

As is now customary for a Monday, I am still feeling fuzzy and fucked from the weekend’s partying and carrying on.The Friday night party saw no unwelcome interjections from Ming the Merciless (evil, bald neighbour) but it did see foosty, nose burning poppers, the usual bad rave moves and just general twatiness in the gay bar. Even the belly load of vodka couldn’t keep me from bouncing on the

2007-03-12T16:00:00.000Z

Ten years ago my first lesbo friend did a really shit thing. Two days ago I got an apology for it.My first girlfriend lived down south and in our two year dating history I saw her on two occasions (healthy? Yes). I liked her a lot, even if we were total opposites: she was a nature dyke while I was a lazy turd bag; she liked to talk and I was more than happy in the silence that frustrated her

2007-03-07T13:30:00.000Z

Note to self: If you only eat beans on toast for dinner, do not then go and down two bottles of wine. The beans and wine combo guaranteed that after a fabulous evening with MC (my delectable straight man friend) that much vomiting ensued.So much for drinking only soda and lime. So much for being home by 9pm. So much for tidying up the pit that is my bedroom ('Help there's been a burglary but

2007-03-05T15:25:00.000Z

What a fabulous weekend I have had in order to mark my foray into the late twenties age bracket(ick).The Bo arranged a Gay Rave party which was just perfect.And what a party it was… There was chair dancing ala Britney, gay whistles, neon clothing, glow sticks, manhandling an underager who subsequently stole my pink glow stick, fights with our bald, unreasonable neighbour at 10.30pm, mock humping

2007-02-27T13:17:00.000Z

I watched a programme about the first gay prom in the UK this morning. It was a concept they had taken from the US and what a brilliant idea; I wish I’d been 17 to appreciate it and actually been there.It reminded me of my ‘prom’ which was really just a bunch of 17 year olds getting wasted in a gym hall and dancing to tragic music (notably Technohead: I wanna be a hippie…). And of course the

2007-02-22T13:57:00.000Z

The Killers rocked my socks. We had a prime position; could see the band and almost make out their facial features, we had room to dance without rubbing our breasts on strangers and very importantly, we were in close proximity of the bar. We bounced like people who had drunk wine, cider and expensive beer and we whooped and ‘yeah yeah yeah yeahed’ like never before. The only thing missing was

2007-02-21T11:44:00.000Z

Phew. Somehow, I was the only person who didn't manage to get a ticket for the Killers the day they went on sale, despite all my frenetic efforts to do so. I knew the tickets would be expensive from ebay and the like but as much as I wanted to go I just couldn't justify £120 for one ticket, nor did I even have that kind of money.But patience was key and I secured my ticket for £60 ysterday and

2007-02-20T13:23:00.000Z

My Beautiful, Bald Britney*pic nicked from Abc News*

2007-02-16T13:24:00.000Z

There was a reason I found it so hard to get on the 4 ft podium and why I subsequently fell off it on Friday night. Well apart from the massive amounts of pink champagne and god knows what else I had consumed leading up to that. The reason being that it wasn't even a podium. It was a speaker, a giant bloody speaker. That's why it was so high, that's why there was minimal dancing room for The

2007-02-13T13:20:00.000Z

I am trying to recover from a 3 day bender. This coming from the girl who takes 4 days to get over one day of alcohol induced fun… I have estimated it will be April before the effects of Thursday, Friday and Saturday finally disappear.My 3 days of overindulgence included, but were not restricted to, the following:Managing to get on a 4 ft podium with minimal grace and decorumFalling off said 4 ft

2007-02-08T13:50:00.000Z

To Date or Not to Date...My Friend, The Bo, has a date tomorrow night with The Man with No Name. I don’t envy her one little bit (on account of Man’s missing name, I don’t think she envies herself much either). There are people, however, who do love the whole dating experience, those who thrive on endlessly repeating the same information to virtual strangers but personally I’d rather go bald

2007-02-05T13:08:00.000Z

Aberdeen has a new gay bar. I went there at the weekend, twice. Yes really; it was THAT good.I have been gay bar-ing it up in the city now for 11 years and this is without a doubt, the best effort Aberdeen has come up with since then. It’s so big that the dancefloor can accommodate not one but two podiums very comfortably. The toilets are not reeming over with shit and there are no lesbians

2007-02-01T11:05:00.000Z

“For reasons of hygiene please do not wash the teeth.”I came across this sign in a public toilet in Milan. What disturbed me about this was not the bad translation from Italian to English but more the thought of people actually cleaning their teeth in a public toilet. And, what’s more concerning is that people were partaking in this activity so frequently that it was necessary to ban this.I had

2007-01-23T16:24:00.000Z

Well it’s official: I now have a new abode and a new flatmate: the infamous Bo. Very importantly, I have my own room and all manners of black and pink accessories which I can freely scatter or place as I so wish. I have even learned how to make my bed; a concept previously very foreign to me and something I’m only partaking in because a dishevelled black and pink bed-set goes unappreciated.

2007-01-15T18:29:00.000Z

Am currently watching One Tree Hill in italian while feasting on the mini bar delights and releasing all my gas that has built up due to air pressure and crap plane food. i'm hoping that i'm not goin to have any visitors to my room anytime soon... have singed my own eyebrows off as it is. Vile lesbo. Am attempting to blog from my phone cos i really have nothing to do. I understand no italian so

2007-01-10T13:06:00.000Z

I thought that after 3 and a half years it was time to use that degree I somehow managed to acquire back in 2003. I’ll forgive you for forgetting I even studied publishing because to be honest, I too had forgotten it existed. I remembered the 4 years of drinking and the interesting people I met throughout that time (SparkleCat and Straight Man A, Big Boy A notably but also my blogger inspiration

2007-01-08T13:54:00.000Z

"He’s Behind You…" Oh shut the fuck up…I used to love Pantomimes... back in the day when there was all that lesbo action (you know, when Prince Charming was played by a woman and got it on with the rugged Cinderella in front of an audience of thousands?) But now, the leading man is actually played by, shock horror, a man! Scandalous I tell you. And what’s worse, he’s played by a man in tights. I

2007-01-05T09:04:00.000Z

It’s been so long since I’ve written here that it took me about 18 shots at logging in. I kept getting the same error message: ‘Who the Fuck are you?’ I felt like a skidmark, Z-list celeb entering the celebrity Big Brother house.Far too much has happened since I last wrote to tell you my tales of New York and of meeting hot L Word Lesbos, so much in fact that I have begun writing a flippin’ novel

2006-03-15T13:17:00.000Z

Laurel Holloman, a vision of blurry goodness Daniela Sea, a vision of not so blurry goodnessClearly these photos determine the highlight of our 8 days in New York.We in no way expected to walk into Virgin Megastores on Times Square to find hotties from our favourite show signing copies of the new L Word book. The whole affair was more pant wettingly exciting than a ten women orgy and I got to

2006-02-23T12:34:00.000Z

One week today and I'll be dragging my now singular crutch around Heathrow airport, eagerly awaiting my flight to NYC with my girl and our gayboys in tow. It's all very exciting. More exciting even than the baked brie I devoured on Saturday night. Yes really.Am glad (as of yesterday) to be rid of the double, massive wooden crutches and feel much better having to traipse around NYC with my new,

2006-02-14T12:41:00.000Z

I've finally gotten the cast off! It was a very long and awkward six weeks; mostly for the people around me. I looked forward to the vibrating saw like any good lesbo and rejoiced in the fact that I would no longer have to clober undaintily around on crutches. Admittedly I felt vaguely gutted that I would never again have to don my special shoe which, for the record was only worn behind closed

2006-02-02T13:10:00.000Z

The most concerning thing about having a leg in plaster is not that I am forbidden from showering/bathing for six weeks (actually that works in my favour and ensures I am guaranteed personal space wherever I go). Nor is it that I can’t walk more than 4 metres without sweating profusely as I struggle to control the bloody crutches. The most concerning thing about having a leg in plaster is

2006-01-31T13:01:00.000Z

It’s been a whopping 3 months since my last shoddy post – definitely my longest blogger hiatus in my 4 year writing history. Unfortunately my excuses are rather poor, albeit legitimate; I was in jail for having stolen someone else’s slim and very firm belly and passing it off my own. Oh if only getting a skinny gut was that simple. No, really I was touring the continent as part of freakish

2005-10-29T10:56:00.000+01:00

I've loved Madonna for as long as I've been an overeater (i.e since I was about 8 and discovered Pop Tarts) and everytime she comes back I turn all gay-manish and get all hand-clappy and high-pitched about how ace she is; and this time is no different. Having been playing the tune obsessively for the past few weeks, I waited eagerly for the video which I saw previewed through a vodka, baileys

2005-10-22T12:48:00.000+01:00

Lil Red, J Bo and I r on our merry way to Glasgow. We r completely surrounded by total man beasts who r typically drinking Tenants, burping and generally being fully foul. I'm not even going to talk about the faded jeans and'mum' tattoos... Anyway, we're off to assemble with the rest of our gay crew in celebration of Lil Red's birthday. We're hoping there will b plenty of drinking and a whole

2005-10-18T19:18:00.000+01:00

I just got a little over excited about the 20th Neighbours Anniversary Episode. I'm talking about the kind of excitement that I usually reserve for Britney Spears; that's a great deal of excitement, believe me. Anyway, I've been watching it since it began and had high hopes for the return of all my favourite (hot) cast members. I settled down to watch it; clean pair of pants on hand. I'd

2005-10-13T18:33:00.000+01:00

Celebrating Hogmany (December 31st to all you non Scots) from the ages of 14-17 involved getting wasted on WhiteLightning cider and/or vodka and mixer in a plastic bottle and roaming around Union Street swapping saliva with as many strange men as possible, for no other reason than it being a new year. Truly a grotesque experience by all standards and from a young lesbo’s point of view:

2005-10-08T16:24:00.000+01:00

The fact that my glasses are now held together with sellotape and dirt made me realise it was time for a visit to the optician. I haven't been for an eye test in about 5 years. The last visit resulted in me having a wet dream as the very hot optometrist came in a bit too closely with her phallic light, so clearly I haven't been in a hurry to return. In fact, I had to go somewhere different

2005-10-01T15:02:00.000+01:00

Sexy G was slapped around his gin-contorted face with someone else's vibrating, jelly dong, complete with suction cup at the weekend. It wasn't a horrifc, cheese-induced nightmare, it was the reality of getting high on poppers (so common, I know) and twatted on vodka the night before a bank holiday Monday. It's just SO wrong. let's hope it was clean.Apparently the rest of us were involved in

2005-09-27T17:28:00.000+01:00

Oh my god. This lesbo is so excited that she has filled two pantyliners in the space of 15 minutes. Thank heavens for scented Tena Lady. Anyway, the reason for this over-the-top excitement is that I have just gotten my gay hands on Sarah Waters' new book, The Night Watch, courtesy of one very thoughtful Straight Man A. It's been 3 years since Straight Man A and I went to the launch of

2005-09-24T12:26:00.000+01:00

Generally I despise weddings. Usually the thought of going to a wedding or even having to listen to a pair of twatts on the bus speaking about an impending wedding brings me out in a vicious fanny rash for the following reasons:1. The fact that the couple will probably split up in mere months and I’ll be left wondering who got my crappy gift.2. Wedding lists: I get it, practical and easy but yet

2005-09-12T18:12:00.000+01:00

Fee at the DeeI can’t believe I have omitted to mention the fact that I was at the musical event of the year last Sunday. You wouldn’t believe that such a spectacular musical bonanza actually occurred in lowly Aberdeen. Really, it’s almost too much to talk about.It’s been 8 days since I attended Free at the Dee (aka Shite Pop Acts Unite, Lesbos Come Together and/or Commoners Day Out) and it’s

2005-09-02T08:00:00.000+01:00

Didn't I make a pact with myself not to drink enough to warrant a hangover on a school night? Granted that's anything more than one alcopop but hey. I wish I'd listened to myself and remebered how cruddy I felt the last time I had a mid-week over indulgence. I hadn't even fully recovered from the drunken Gay Bar debauchery on Saturday night so what I was thinking, I do not know. I'll never

2005-08-25T19:00:00.000+01:00

I'm sure everyone (or maybe just the unstable minded amongst you) has songs that when heard make you instantly drop everything, literally, and get up and shake that booty, no matter where you are. I've lost drinks, food, hamsters and limbs to my mental-fit inducing song of the moment. The song that inspires my fucked-up fanny dancing of is Dr Pressure (Mylo Vs Gloria Estefan). Decade

2005-08-20T12:18:00.001+01:00

Club Tropicana, drinks are free...Drinks were certainly not free in Aberdeen's very own Club Tropicana, nor were they -particularly cheap, unlike so many of its patrons. The only thing that was free was the abundance of male wandering hands who felt it necessary to double-hand grab any ass that passed, as long as it was attached to something vaguley resembling a female. Never before have I seen

2005-08-11T18:26:00.000+01:00

Gay dancing in Glasgow completely rocked my pink, stripey and very sweaty socks. Am still high (and possibly vaguely hungover still) from the beltin' time we had on Saturday night.After a very garlicky trip to Wagamama, I farted sweated danced my way through 3 hours of fully fabulous music. SO good, in fact, was the music that I dared not leave the floor for fear of what I would miss were I to

2005-08-05T18:54:00.000+01:00

"Some people stand in the darkness, afraid to step into the light." Wow, deep.Is it wrong to be in the type of club that plays the Baywatch theme tune? Is it a little sad to even know the Baywatch theme tune? I'm guessing then it's completely out of order to not only dance to the Baywatch theme tune but also to lip sync and air grab to the Baywatch theme tune? What then can be said about Lil

2005-07-31T14:26:00.000+01:00

Introducing...The Fee's New Tattoo... also starring Chubby Back and Colin Coco Pop (aka Mr Mole).The redness and scabs have pretty much cleared up now and I can lie down quite comfortably again. It's so all good. And I have to say that I had my best tattooing experience so far so if you're up for getting inked up in Aberdeen, you need to get your ass to Retro Rebels. Anyway, so I go celebrate

2005-07-28T15:07:00.000+01:00

I’m now the proud (?) owner of ginger eyebrows, a new tattoo, what feels like an entirely new set of teeth and a dodgy home-made copy of Britney and Kevin’s new show, Chaotic. I can’t decide what I’m more excited about. It’s been a long month and a half. No, really…I don’t come waving too many poor excuses at you for not having posted in so long, mainly because the excuses are so lame that

2005-06-08T17:56:00.000+01:00

Apologies for the lack of posts, have just emerged from an L Word/Tru Calling/US Queer as folk haze. It was touch and go as to whether I'd emerge at all. They made it so comfy down there. I blame ebay.Anyway. Let's talk briefly about Sugar Rush, Channel 4's new lesbo 'teen' drama which started way too late last night. The prospect of Sugar Rush excited me as much as finding a grey pube in my

2005-05-27T18:16:00.000+01:00

Two fully fabulous things happened today - pay day and broadband.It's amazing how much shopping a girl can get done in one hour. Did more shopping in 60 minutes than I did in the entire time I was in Glasgow owing to the fact I'd spent all my money on vodka and cheese by the time we hit the shops in Glasgow. The soundtrack to this post is Kelly Osbourne's new album but I also purchased Cut

2005-05-23T13:21:00.000+01:00

I’m pretty used to the disapproving ‘you’re a fag hag’ looks that are thrown our way most nights at the local gay bar which are based purely on the fact that I have hair a bit too long. However, getting refused from the Polo Lounge in Glasgow because collectively we have more hair than the cast of Baywatch is just ridiculous. Four of us looked forward to Glasgow with an excitement I usually

2005-05-15T13:39:00.000+01:00

Lil Red Manhandled in Burger Brawl Shock!Lil Red and I were drunkenly minding our own gay business after a fully fabulous night in the gay bar (yes really) when the vodka munchies kicked in. Passing an oddly subdued looking Burger King, we lesbos decided to brave the ultra harsh lighting and sleazy ugly men who hadn't yet pulled and satisfy our hunger for at least a minute with a faux burger.

2005-05-06T13:07:00.000+01:00

I have a mega monster hangover today. I do not feel good. I do not smell good either. After a fabulous drunken night out with my work friends (including The Oldest Lesbo I Know)I am forced to sit, at work, and look more vile and feel more grotesque than usual. It's truly awful. How did it slip my mind that I do indeed suffer from unusually severe hangovers? I'm sure I was conscious of that

2005-04-28T12:45:00.000+01:00

I made a dreadful mistake on Saturday night. I went to the Gay bar, sober. Well, sober and hungover and with a monster of a meal in my heavy belly. It was truly more vile than I could ever have imagined. Of course it was my own fault for intaking alohol two days in row when we all know that I can handle my alcohol as well as I imagine I can handle a penis. But had I really thought that 3 (

2005-04-07T12:55:00.000+01:00

Ruthlessly stole this from fashmagslag, because I thought I'd spoil you with a bunch of uninteresting details about myself (and because I've done nothing of any significance of late). Prepare to be unastounded.1. WHAT IS YOUR NAME? Fiona, people call me Fee, Miss Fee, The Fee, Feely-up-fee, and any other variation of 'Fee' they can think of.2. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Awake for once and very very

untitled

2005-03-25T13:48:00.000Z

Dyke on a bike.Well it looks as if my camera phone is working just fine. We traded our car in for a rather yellow bike last Friday night. How lesbian like. [If you recognise that bike as being yours, sorry, I promise we didn't touch it. Much.] It's Friday and that can only mean one thing. Yes, another (yes, that will be three in a row) night at the Gay Bar for Fee McFee and her hot Lil Red.

2005-03-21T12:50:00.000Z

Well spring has officially come to Aberdeen. We had our first glimpse of sunshine the other day and of course with this sniff of sunlight we are also see an unwelcome return of the cork wedge sandal. Real name espadrille? Who cares, they're a very ugly shoe. So far I have seen about 40 pairs of these bad boys and just when I thought it was safe to look downwards and all. I've never seen such

2005-03-09T17:30:00.000Z

London was fully rockin'. Not only did I manage to spend more money than I have but I also managed to eat my way through the city, three times over. All the hot new clothes I bought cannot be worn due to yet another added belly and I cannot even don my new shoes (two very hot pairs of trainers) because the lesbo has a limp. Too much shopping, too much dancing and too much stumbling around when

2005-03-01T13:08:00.000Z

What kind of person does a jobbie in a bus shelter? On the red plastic seat? And then smear it up the glass panels? Some vile half breed with no moral standards that’s who. Who the hell wants to see an anonymous human turd winking at them first thing in the morning? And why would people stand in the bus shelter within spitting distance of a big steaming non-animal shit. You just wouldn’t. But

2005-02-22T13:13:00.000Z

Happy 3rd Blog Birthday to Me.Yes it’s true, I really have been writing about the biggest amount of shite for 3 glorious years. How it is possible to write about getting wasted, turds (human and animal), global bums, crap mullet hairdos and fake Luis Vuitton for that length of time is beyond me, yet here I sit all that time on and I'm still bashing out nonsense as often as I can, internet

2005-02-18T12:49:00.000Z

You know how on GMTV(Morning TV show for you non Brits or you non early risers) they do this thing where Keith Chegwin goes to someone’s house very early in the morning, following a correct answer to a stupidly easy question the previous day, and hands over £10,000? Well, I was proper convinced that Cheggars was heading my way today. I entered the competition for the first time yesterday and

2005-02-15T13:30:00.000Z

It was more refreshing than a freshly Fabreezed fanny that I was not the drunkest person in the world for a change on Friday night. That title went to Lil Red who was at her drunkest, ever. She doesn't remember anything post vodka numero 12 but I smugly remember her lolling around on the pavement in the torrential rain not unlike a seal on the shore. I don't however remember the gay bar on

2005-02-07T13:33:00.000Z

My heart is still palpatating after ingesting copious amounts of red bull three days ago. Surely that can't be right? On Friday night, with the help of ex work collegues I had a fully fabulous night and probably enough alcholol to consider myself a proper binge drinker. Lil Red and I also had the pleasure of shakin' our lesbo booties in the gay bar where to our relief we knew not one single

2005-01-28T13:50:00.000Z

You know you're in the wrong place (Hetero Hell?) when you're sat in between a woman over the age of 65 sporting condom earings and a Jackie Stallone body double. And when the DJ thinks he's doing you a favour by bombarding you with Shania bloody Twain and Grease Megamixes it's time to get your coat. But not because you've pulled. It could only be The Office Party. It would appear the effects

2005-01-18T13:34:00.000Z

The transition from Book Shop Geek to Office Nerd has been as smooth as a freshly waxed butt cheek. Seriously, this whole getting to sit on my ass for a good proportion of the day is just fabulous. I type, I sit, therefore i am good. I can even wheel myself to the photocopier to avoid getting up altogether. Was there ever a job more ideal for the Fee? While I was concerned that my ass may

2005-01-14T13:45:00.000Z

I wish that I had a switch on the back of my head, concealed under my nest of 8-tone hair, that I could flick on and off whenever I wanted to actually sleep. I go through these well annoying sleeping phases where I just can't from the hours between about 5.30 and 7.30am. No big deal for most people, you would just wake up at 5.30am and accept that more sleep is just not possible but for Miss 14

2005-01-06T13:51:00.000Z

I have well and truly recovered from New Year, almost. I just got the ingrained smell of pee out of my right cheek only a few hours ago. I had to sandpaper my skin because no matter how much scrubbing and bleaching I did on my now flacid cheek, the stench of man pee just would just not leave. I had a fully fabulous time, of course winning every high kick competition going and dancing like a

2004-12-31T14:04:00.000Z

As it's Hogmany (New Year's Eve to non Scots) I feel it's time to get reflective and look back on 2004 in the only way I know how... and so I smell a list coming on, yes because I'm lazy and cannot be bothered with grammer, spelling and punctuation. Like I normally can I hear you cry when I do not paragraph my overlong rantings. Anyway, I introduce Miss Fee's likes and dislikes of 2004. I

2004-12-27T13:54:00.000Z

Wow, how offensive and/or ridiculous is my low flying crotch today? Very apparently. I swear my crotch has never had so much attention. I have the skankiest pair of baggies that I cut around in and while I knew they were pretty damn big, I didn't realise until I noticed at least 40 pairs of eyes checking out my fanjita that maybe my fanny needs an uplift. No one was capable of looking me in

2004-12-25T21:45:00.000Z

It's all fun and games until someone loses control of their bladder on the kitchen floor, twice. It wasn't me who soiled my panty liner however but my fabulous, rather elderly dog who just couldn't cope with the presense of dog numero three. It made for a very entertaining Christmas, having to follow my pup around with a nappy in hand should we not be able to usher him out the back door in time

2004-12-20T13:43:00.000Z

It's bad enough being in the gay bar on a Friday night, nevermind being on the floor of the gay bar on a Friday night. I don't know what happened exactly but I know it involved way too much vodka, an over excited Luscious L and a now very squashed Little L. We were so wasted (thank you quadruple distilled vodka) that we went back to a party that we get invited to every single week we go out and

2004-12-12T13:51:00.000Z

I actually went drinking for ten hours on Friday. Considering I have the ability to withstand a meagre 4 vodkas usually before regurgitating the buggers, I think I did very well. I even managed to pace myself, not a term I am generally familiar with. It was my leaving night from work and I was pretty high so I assumed that with the fabulously good mood of mine i'd be fuckered in hours, minutes

2004-12-09T08:13:00.000Z

Today I'll work my last day at the bookshop and I'm so excited about the prospect that I'm already onto my 4th pantyliner. No longer will I have to deal with the wanky customers who cannot navigate their way around the A to Z fiction section and never again will I have to become personal shopper to the assholes who 'can't be bothered' to look around or make a decision on their own. That's right

2004-12-06T10:54:00.000Z

Saturday was all about bandilegged split leaps, piley ons, popper fuelled high kicks and obscure yoga positions. Oh and vodka. And beer. We went to The Beast’s flat with the intention of having a laugh and going straight home. Of course we ended up severely bruised and in the gay bar. I don’t know what happened but I’m pretty sure we owe a lot to way too much alcohol, liquid gold and our old

2004-11-25T08:58:00.000Z

Bugger the gym. Fuck the keep fit videos. I have a new keep fit regime that doesn't involve seeing how many times I can go back and forth to the fridge in a given time. All I need is a Lil Red and an Electric Six CD. No shorts required either. It's fool proof. And especially practical for despisers of public displays of sweating. Basically it goes like this: A good half hour after

2004-11-20T13:30:00.000Z

I was glad to see I'm not the only one suffering the 'I'm too heavy' blues of late. I'm at this weird in between stage which is still just too damn chubby but with the added problem that my slim clothes cling like lycra and my fat clothes are hanging off me to the extent I look like I'm auditioning for one of Eminem's backing dancers. It's hideous whichever way you look at it. I don't know

2004-11-18T19:40:00.000Z

We went to see a show last night and not only did Lil Red give a fragile, cane brandishing old dude a lap dance (much to his short-sighted delight) but we got started on by a bunch of jelly kneed pensioners who spat humbugs and toffees at us when we dared ask them to move aside so we could get to our seats. I also about choked on the talc fumes as I found myself suffocating on a mouthful of blue

2004-11-08T10:19:00.000Z

J Bo... Who Else? The weekend was a carry on from start to finish. My girl was returned to me on Friday night and having the whole weekend together we just had to have our band of odd bods over for much drunken silliness. My recollections after the monstrous mega mushroom spew around 12.30am are pretty sketchy but I do remember having a blast. I don't know who instigated the belting out of

2004-11-06T19:55:00.000Z

Two words, twice... Gay Bar Gay Bar!

2004-11-04T16:47:00.001Z

Fee in a Photo Frenzy... Here are a few of the photos you requested, plus a picture of our pumpkin friend who is topless. Oo er. Shock that it was Lil Red who removed her top. She's called Henrietta by the way although I think she is now a very mouldy Henrietta. That is probably the source of that rotten stench then. Am as inspired as a moist pluff today, and look also not disimilar to one

2004-11-03T08:25:00.001Z

The Dictionary of Fee: Cafufle: a flustered carry one Hoiked: Pulled up, as in trousers Breeks: Trousers Probably for the first time ever I decided to run, yes run, up the stairs at work yesterday. I don't know what on earth could have been so urgent that I would put myself through physical exertion for. Surely I wasn't so keen to be getting back to work? Of course because this was such a

2004-11-01T20:21:00.000Z

My Perogative was released today. I got up early especially so I would have time to buy it before work. That extra five minutes in the morning make all the difference you know. I just had to have it before my morning break, you know so I could sit alone in a freezing room munching my Eat Natural bar to the soundtrack of my girl numero dos for a full 20 minutes. It didn't matter that

2004-10-29T13:30:00.000+01:00

Around the same time as I was getting red faced in a very long and frustrating queue to collect my train tickets for a train that left in 9 minutes, Lil Red was being subjected to an interogation over the theft of her CD player and CDs which were stolen from her room the previous day. Even if I was aggrevated to the point of near explosion due to the typically ill mannered Aberdonians and even

2004-10-26T20:24:00.000+01:00

I spent most of the day up to my dimpled elbows in plastic animals. I'm sure when I signed up to be a bookseller, plastic animals were not in the job description. If there is such a thing as cool plastic animals, these are not it. It really was as much fun as farting in a glass, putting your hand over the top and sniffing it 10 minutes later to see if it still smells. That's not fun right?

2004-10-25T20:12:00.000+01:00

Glasgow was fully fabulous. Two big haired lesbos and a hungover Bo were packed into the back of the Queen of Fun's car like socks down pants and needless to say, much hilarity ensued, particularly when a J Bo recounted her oblong turd story for the 800th time with even more added emotion than usual. I love the travelling part of going anywhere. Even though getting on trains brings me out in

2004-10-23T10:44:00.000+01:00

Would you have queued for 4 hours to see Michael Palin sign a book? I wouldn't have but 400 other people absolutely did, and got pretty over excited about it too. It was like the time when bloody Darius came to Aberdeen and a hoard of screaming pubeless teenagers battered each other to get a glimpse of him, only this time, the queue members were old enough to be Darius's granny. Some of these

2004-10-20T20:00:00.000+01:00

Oh man. My Lil Red has had to go to Inverness for two and a half weeks. That means no hugs, no kisses and no fun until the weekend when I can see her. It feels weird to come home and to not have my girl here waiting for me with her cute lil smile on her face. I haven't been apart from her since I lost her to Australia almost two years ago for 6 very long weeks. Hmpf. Anyway, at least I can

2004-10-17T16:50:00.000+01:00

Somehow we almost managed to get into a fight with a very tinky minky butch lesbian last night. I blame the smirnoff ice and her total attitude which revealed itself when we refused to give the tapered jeans wearing mini man a cigarette. She was like 2 foot high and had a face like a sun dried jobbie but boy she was a scary little fucker who needed more than a cigarette in order to chill the

2004-10-12T19:26:00.000+01:00

I went to Dundee yesterday, on the bloody megabus. Christ, I can totally see why they call it the armpit of Scotland, bugger that tho, try arsehole. What a dump. What a bunch of creeps it houses. And here i was thinking I lived in the crappest city in the universe but looks like I got off lightly. I've never seen so many Neds in my life and sadly I've seen a hell of a lot of the long, white

2004-10-09T15:25:00.000+01:00

Lil Red could cope no more with her Lion King hairdo and finally relented. She bought a replacement pair of GHD strightners yesterday, despite the fact we can barely afford to eat never mind spend £100 pounds on hair straightening equipment. It's very exciting. I had totally forgotten what I even looked like with straight hair, having had massively mega hair for weeks now. No longer will I

2004-10-07T11:48:00.000+01:00

My Favourite Shoe My Furry Welly My Well Heavy Lesbo Shoe, Wow I went out after work last night for food and ended up damn drunk instead. Having not touched alcohol since I contracted that bug I cannot spell, I knew this was going to be a bad idea. One beer and I was wasted so there really was no need for the many, many vodkas that followed at a pound a pop. We haven't seen the lovely J

2004-10-06T08:47:00.000+01:00

Public transport really does know how to ruin my day. Tuesday is the only day I start work at 9, usually I'm a half niner, for the joys of staff training so it's the one day a week that if I get the bus, I must share my journey with late school kids and high ponytailed, burberry wearing college people. It's absolutely something to look forward to and as Lil Red and I were running late we had no

2004-10-04T20:46:00.000+01:00

After filling in my 456th application form, once my sight was more than blurred, I was randomly checking a box under Ethnic Origin on one form when I cast my eyes onto the question below. What is your sexual orientation? Eh hello? Had I stumbled upon a porn site where I had to check a box to get in? No I was still filling in a form for the bloody council. The options I think were, Lesbian,

2004-10-03T18:19:00.000+01:00

The Lesbian Shoe of Death

2004-10-01T13:34:00.000+01:00

Having a day off rocks. Having to work the weekend after a day off sucks. Having to spend your day off trying to pry your eyes open with plyers is kinda fun. Having to fill in multiple application forms on your day off is hopeful. Having no social life and nothing of interest to write about is sad. And so, in the absence of said social life I have opted to fill in the following list, stolen

2004-09-29T19:12:00.000+01:00

I went back to work yesterday and it was every bit as daunting as I thought it would be. I even had to get on public transport (shock horror) because I knew my wiggly legs would not withstand even the 15 minute walk. It's typical that the day I decide to return the land of employment is the same day that the bloody College starts. SO I was crammed onto the bus, sandwiched in between